Adventures in MarauderSitting
by Atana
Summary: A Marauders-into-Babies transformation story with a twist! Severus Snape and his best friend Britomartis Vox see portents of the future - or don't they? A sometimes-hilarious, sometimes-heartwarming "Snips and Spirals" tale by Lady Tesser.
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: (The following is a service announcement from the original creator concerning a character appearing in this story:) The character of Jenny Everywhere is available for use by anyone, with only one condition. This paragraph must be included in any publication involving Jenny Everywhere, in order that others may use this property as they wish. All rights reversed.

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Snips and Spirals Fanfic:

"Adventures in Marauder-Sitting"

Text by Lady Tesser

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PART ONE

Britomartis Vox turned fourteen today.

Normally (on Crete) she would be considered a Citizen and granted full rights as an adult. This was now her period to establish herself worthy of being a full-member of society.

But as a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, she was merely half-way through her 'establishment' and not at all an adult Citizen of the Wizarding world.

That Saturday evening, she and her best friend Severus Snape were holed up in the Conversation Room again. After Martis' roommates offered to 'baby-sit' Medusa while she went on her 'date' with Sev, she had finally calmed down enough from her muttering about girly roommates for Sev to hand her a vial.

"And what is this?" she asked as she peered at it in the lantern light.

Sev leaned forward, his braid slipping over his shoulder, his beautiful black eyes glittering in the light. "Martis ... I'm going to give you a baby."

Her sunglasses practically popped off as she stared back at him. "I beg your pardon?" she squeaked.

----------

The Slytherin common room was always rather lively on Saturday nights. It was a night off from studying, so students read, played wizard's chess, or spun records on the victrola. Conversation came from all corners of the room while Evan Ryper (Head Boy) and Thomas St. Claire (Slytherin Seeker) organized and took bets on various other students or teachers. Medusa the Unofficial House Snake - stuffed full of quail eggs and mice bits - lazily hung from the central wrought iron chandelier while watching the teenagers being silly.

Martis and Sev entered the common room; Martis held a bundle in her arms and loudly announced: "Look, everyone! Snips gave me a baby!"

Silence fell, everyone looked up, and Medusa fell out of the chandelier. Medusa rolled over and raised her head, swung it around, and flickered her tongue out. She was certain that she would have been present if her human mistress finally decided to breed with that dark boy.

"See?" Martis said proudly, lifting up the bundle and pulling the blanket away. "Isn't it an adorable baby doll?"

In her hands she held a porcelain doll that was exactly the same size as a six-month-old baby, dressed in a green and silver layette and with a pacifier in its mouth. It had dark hair and green eyes and was obviously supposed to look like the both of them.

Medusa made an unladylike sound and slithered off.

The entire common room broke into much cursing and shouts of not to give people heart attacks. Sev smirked while Martis giggled and turned the 'baby' around, nuzzling her nose to its nose. Softly she said, "I think I'll name her Persephone."

Sev's smarmy smirk was turned to Evan. "Check the listings for today, Ryper."

Evan angrily flipped through his 'bookie' notebook and read: "One bet for a false alarm pregnancy on October 5 - 'S.S.'"He looked up. "S.S. ... SNAPE! You goit!"

"Pay up, Ryper," Sev stated, holding his hand out.

"It doesn't count."

"Then make St. Claire give me my money back."

"THOMAS!"

Thomas rolled his eyes. "It was a legit bet and you know it, Evan. Pay the man."

Evan grumbled as he fished out four galleons. "You bastard, Snape. You complete and utter bastard."

"If only it were true," Sev said, pocketing the money. "But considering where your mind went when we pulled the prank, you have no room to talk, pervert." Sev turned back to Martis. "Now, Spirals, shall we go to Hogsmeade and celebrate your birthday with style with our winnings from the betting pool?"

"Sounds good to me, Snips," Martis replied. She tossed the porcelain baby toward him and he transfigured it back to a vial in mid-air before catching it.

He flicked the vial toward Evan, who caught it with both hands. "Has amber-colored water in it, Ryper. Thought you might like it."

The duo turned to leave and Peony Danderfluff said, "They pranked Slytherin. All of Slytherin."

"The sheer audacity," Akiko Mori added.

Evan and the rest of the Quidditch team saluted the smugly grinning duo as they left the common room.

When the door closed Evan yelled, "All right - new bets on Mr. and Mrs. Snape!"

"No way," someone called. "He'll take her last name!"

"They'll combine it!"

This sparked off a long debate and eventual bet on who would take whose last name when Sev and Martis would finally marry, as well as WHEN they would marry.

----------

Potions class for Fifth-Years had them working on regeneration potions.

Things were going very well for Sev and his lab partner Greta Bulstrode - their silky potion was thickening as scheduled. The kelly-green liquid overlaying shimmering gold was acting exactly as Professor Sartoris had said it should.

On the other hand, Adonia Vox's lab partner had already been sent to the hospital wing due to the cauldron trying to escape when Adonia put potion ingredients in it. So, Adonia spent the class period dodging sparks and tentacles as her regeneration potion tried to attack her to stop the madness. At one point it was screaming something in a language only Professor Sartoris seemed to understand, and he blushed.

Professor Sartoris had already decided to ignore Adonia's attempts at potion-making. He was going to make sure she would drop out from his classes after her OWLs, especially when he changes his policy to accept only O-Levels to continue to the next year. He was getting too old to deal with mismanaged potions rebelling in his classroom every week.

When Adonia cried "Whoops!" everyone in the lab ducked. Sonia Stellamaris fainted.

Sartoris felt his fingers curl. "'Whoops' WHAT, Miss Vox?"

"I put morning dew in it rather than starfish extract." She paused, flicking her long blonde ponytail back as she gazed down into the potion. "But it's a lovely shade of aqua-blue."

"Dispose of it, Miss Vox," Sartoris sighed, turning from the class at large and rubbing his temples.

Sev shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, Adonia, but even I can't save that batch."

Adonia slipped gloves on and picked up the cauldron. "I know. I'm a warrior, not a scholar."

"Then how did you get into Ravenclaw?" Lily Evans asked from across the aisle.

"Haven't you ever heard of Athena?"

"Isn't she the Hufflepuff Prefect?"

"No, not Athena Goldstein, Athena the Greek Goddess. One of those pantheon ladies - Goddess of War AND Wisdom - I can kick anyone's butt at Wizard's Chess due to strategy - "

"Just not too good at book learning," Lily finished.

"Not exactly, it's just chemistry and potions I reek at." Adonia turned and found a Marauder - James Potter - had grabbed her cauldron from her hands and was running around the room with it. "Potty-brains, what the Avernus are you doing?"

"Catch it, Voxy!" he called back. "Betcha can't get it!"

Lily rolled her green eyes. "And he wonders why I won't give him the time of day."

Sirius Black barked a laugh and held his arms out. "Hey, Prongs, throw it here!"

"Mr. Potter!" Sartoris yelled. "Put that down - it's hazardous!"

Adonia stood perfectly still, analyzed the situation, and unceremoniously kicked Potter in the cods.

Potter's grip on the cauldron let loose and the cauldron full of Adonia's failed potion banged onto the lab desk shared by Black and Peter Pettigrew and splashed both boys, plus washed over the hunched over Potter as well as Remus Lupin trying to shield himself.

With an almost-comic POUF! the room filled with clouds of a lovely aqua-blue mist. In seconds, it unnaturally faded away ... along with the Marauders.

Students carefully crawled out from under their desks. "What happened?"

Sev peered around the room. "Whatever-it-was has apparently taken the Maraudiots away - quick, let's leave before it brings them back."

A sharp cry followed by three more filled the dungeon room and everyone crowded around the Marauders' desks to see the Marauders' robes and under-uniforms scrambling and wriggling around. Cries were coming from inside the robes.

Sartoris drew his wand out and used it to carefully lift away the material -

To reveal an infant.

The girls drew a sharp intake of breath, and then several began opening uniforms up to find three other infants.

"What happened to them?" Lily asked.

Sartoris wrinkled his nose as he carefully picked up a squalling infant - Potter, since the glasses were still hanging off one little ear - and studied him. "It appears when Miss Vox had substituted -"

"Accidentally!" Adonia added defensively.

" - morning dew for starfish extract, it turned a regeneration potion into a regenerative potion."

"English!" Jonas Kennebunk yelled.

Sev explained, "It turned their biological clocks back to infanthood. The potion we were supposed to make was merely to regenerate skin and limbs and such. This - " He turned to Adonia and widened his eyes."Has never been done before! It's been attempted for centuries, of course, but without success. Usually, the subjects end up dead or worse."

Adonia burst into tears and Artemisia got up to comfort her.

"What's she crying about?" someone asked. "The Gryffies did it to themselves."

Sartoris cleared his throat and handed the baby to a nearby girl. "Miss Vox, stop that blubbering and help take these ... things to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey should be able to figure out what to do with them."

Sev picked up the infant Remus Lupin and smirked. In a low voice, he said, "Like to see you try to torment me now, yard-ape."

The baby replied by burping up on his robe.

----------

Sirius Black was furious. Mostly at James Potter. He was also upset with Adonia Vox - who probably planned to do this to them, anyway - but mostly with Potter for being a puddinghead.

There was little he could do at the moment - he was being carried to the hospital wing by Artemisia Vox, and he rather enjoyed being held against a girl's chest. Especially one as well-endowed as one of the Vox sisters.

Of course, the irony that the only way he could get close to something of that caliber was to be reduced to an entity that could not fully take advantage of it did not escape him.

He was quite certain Pomfrey would change them back. She was rough, but she did her job well.

----------

"Do with them?" Pomfrey commented snidely. "Can we just stick them in a box in the corner of my office until the thing wears off?"

"So they'll be back to normal?" Minerva McGonagall asked.

"Whatever passes for normal around here; of course they will be. It'll take about forty-eight hours for the effects to wear off." She glanced down at the four still-naked babies squirming around the bed; only the infant Sirius Black seemed alarmed. "They're healthy, active six-month-old babies, perfectly normal in every respect for that age. I even venture to guess Mr. Lupin doesn't have his ... problem."

Albus Dumbledore stroked his beard. "Do you think, Poppy, perhaps you could cure Remus Lupin's 'problem' while he's -"

"Afraid not, Albus," the nurse answered. "I'm hesitant to do anything to them while they're under the influence of unstable magic, since we don't know the effects the potion had on them. The only thing I can really suggest is to have them looked after as normally as possible."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "But where are we going to find spur-of-the-moment caretakers -"

A voice 'ahem-ed' behind them. The teachers turned to see Cleopatra with her arms folded and her brown eyes staring intensely at them. "May I suggest - since Adonia Vox feels quite guilty for her part in this - to have her look after them?"

"But Miss Cleopatra - !" Dumbledore began.

"What an excellent idea!" Pomfrey concluded. The Baby Marauders were now perfectly still, listening to what was going on. "I'm quite sure she would feel better if she did something useful!"

The babies whimpered.

Cleopatra turned and called, "Okay, Vox's - get in here!"

The twins and Phaedra entered the room, immediately zeroing in on the infants and picking them up to cuddle them.

Artemisia said, "Thanks, Miss Cleopatra. We knew they wouldn't take us seriously if we suggested it." She nuzzled James Potter's nose with her own and he visibly relaxed.

Adonia held the distressed Peter Pettigrew at arm's length. "I told you, I don't like babies."

Phaedra had picked up Sirius Black and lay him right on her chest, causing him to quiet down immediately. "You're female; it has a high probability of happening. Get used to having a baby in your arms."

"No, thank-you." She narrowed her eyes at Pettigrew. "Quit squirming or I'm going to feed you to one of Hagrid's pets."

The youngest Vox sister entered with Severus Snape. "I want to hold a baby!" Martis cried.

"You can have Lupin," Artemisia said.

Phaedra stroked Black's headful of spiky black hair. "How adorable. Hard to believe they're the same goons who attempted to murder Baby Sister."

Martis picked up Lupin and held him close so their noses touched. "Baby Remie, all helpless and drooling."

"Not any more than usual," Sev commented.

"Minor difference, this one's naked."

Marauder Remus stared at his reflection in her sunglasses. My God - I really am an infant! I'm drooling and everything! I look like a naked, bloated pumpkin! Oh, Miss Britomartis! My apologies for appearing before you this way - !

She opened her robe and laid him against her shirt, now devoid of sweater and tie. "Aww! It's so cute!"

Well, perhaps this isn't so bad ...

Sev glanced at Artemisia who was also making cooing sounds at 'Baby Jimmy'; he turned to Phaedra who was lost in pre-motherhood meditation with 'Baby Sirie'. Lastly, he caught the eye of the uncomfortable Adonia. "What's going on?" he whispered.

"Baby Petey just peed on me," she admitted.

"No, I mean with your sisters."

Adonia looked around as well. "Maternal instincts brought to the fore - ever seen those Muggle paintings of the subject called 'Madonna and Child'?"

"A few."

"That's what's going on. I think the baby pheromones are turning them into mindless mommy-monsters." She put Baby Petey back on the bed and turned to the Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress. "I know this is my fault, but I can't handle looking after them; I'd rather have detention."

"It is not your fault, Vox," McGonagall stated. "They were told not to horse-play in class with dangerous potions."

"It was still my potion that did it." Adonia took her robe off. "Besides, I can't stand having baby fluids of any type all over me, so just give me a detention and be done with it."

Cleopatra grabbed the scruff of Adonia's sweater. "Fine, I'll take this one to help me do security tests around the school. If you don't have your own earplugs you're sod-out-of-luck - the explosions can ruin your hearing after a few hours. Forget about Bubble-Head Charms, they just resonate with the shock-waves and make your head explode."

Adonia began sweating. "Uh, Headmaster?"

"That's your detention, then," he agreed.

Cleopatra smirked. "You're mine now, sweetcheeks."

Adonia rolled her eyes. "I am straight this week."

"I don't mean that, you perverted child."

Cleopatra and Adonia left the hospital wing and Dumbledore gazed at the rest of the sisters and Sev. "Well, I suppose the four of you could look after the infants for the next few days. Considering your family's track record at the school - plus Mrs. Vox-Patil here expecting her own - I am quite sure you are capable of handling four rambunctious boy-children."

"You said four," Sev reminded. "I see three Vox's."

"And you, of course, Severus."

"No."

Martis held Baby Remie against her chest with one arm and touched his shoulder with the other hand. "Snips, it'll be fun. Besides, think of it - the Marauders are babies. All they do is mess their nappies, smear food in their hair, and drool."

"This is different HOW?"

Baby Remie turned around so that his cheek lay on her chest and he stuck his thumb in his mouth. His index and middle fingers flexed upward in a babyish Two-Finger Salute.

Sev's mouth flew open. "Why you little - !"

Baby Remie broke into wails, which was quickly followed by the rest of the babies.

Dumbledore bowed his head, smiled, and said, "I'll leave the rest to Madame Pomfrey."

He and McGonagall left. Madame Pomfrey set down a stack of cloth nappies and pins on the bed. "I must admit," the nurse said, ignoring the crying. "It's been years since I had to diaper anything -"

"Don't worry, we know how to do this stuff in the dark," Artemisia said. She placed Baby Jimmy on the bed, cleaned him, and then quickly diapered him in less than thirty seconds. The infant silenced immediately as she cuddled him against her chest.

Sev raised an eyebrow. "Did you grow two more arms during that?"

Phaedra did the exact same thing with Baby Sirie who quieted down. Martis followed with Baby Remie, who relaxed enough to sigh and fall asleep.

"You try," Martis told Sev. "Diaper Pettigrew."

"I beg your pardon, but hell no."

"He can't bug you, Severus," Artemisia pointed out.

"Speaking as an authority figure," Pomfrey added. "You're in the superior position now."

Sev gritted his teeth then glanced at Martis; Baby Remie looked way too pleased with himself as he lay on her overdeveloped chest. Little perv was enjoying it, Sev wagered.

Martis lifted her sunglasses up on her head, her moss green eyes wide. "Pleeeease, Snips?"

Oh, Gods, she was using the Big Eye Routine - which, frankly, was completely inappropriate for someone her age and cup-size. Nevertheless, it was wholly successful. Damn her.

Phaedra mistook a snort of contempt from Baby Sirie as a sneeze. She automatically wiped his nose.

Sev held up the rectangular cloth and asked, "All right, which end do I use? Can't we just use swaddling clothes or something less laborious? Perhaps a burlap sack?"

"Quit griping, Snape," Phaedra said.

The attempt of Sev to diaper Baby Petey gently was cut short as Baby Petey let loose a stream at him.

Pomfrey handed him a wet towel and he wiped his face. "All right, you ball of fluids, no more Mr. Nice Snake!" He drew his wand. "NAUSEUM LEVIOSA!"

Sev's no-hands diapering technique was brutal but effective, leaving Baby Petey wondering why he was hanging upside-down by his feet after the procedure was over.

The Vox sisters stared at Sev with horror on their faces.

"What?" he asked.

"Well," Martis finally said. "It'll just be one more trauma he has to deal with." She pressed close to him and whispered against his ear, "We do NOT use magic to take care of babies!"

"They're still Marauders!" Sev hissed back. "And they know EXACTLY what's going on!"

"No they don't," Martis argued as she pulled back. "They're just babies! They aren't fully conscious!"

Sev flicked his wand and Baby Petey fell; Sev caught him in one arm as he continued to stare at Martis. "What's wrong with you, Spirals? They're still the enemy!"

"They're defenseless babies right now!" She paused, and then her mouth flew open. "You're jealous!"

"I am not," Sev answered with dignity. "But I'm not flushed with silly instincts -"

Phaedra and Adonia sighed and left the room with Baby Sirie and Baby Jimmy.

"You know," Phaedra said. "I hope they work this out before they start having kids."

Artemisia chuckled. "Well, I think Baby Sister is the only person who doesn't know Remus Lupin has a huge crush on her - don't blame Severus for being jealous, even if Lupin is a baby right now."

Phaedra kissed Baby Sirie's forehead and both sisters went back to their dorm.

Marauder Sirius won that bet with Marauder James - Phaedra Vox DID kiss him!

----------

Outside the Gryffindor Tower, Cleopatra and Adonia were pointing wands at the outer wall; Cleopatra with assurance, Adonia with nervousness and trepidation.

Cleopatra explained, "The thoughts we're sending at the wall are incompatible with Dark Magic energies. When they contact Dark Magic residue, they flare up." A burst of black fire made Adonia squeal and jump back while Cleopatra continued, "That was an old residue, perhaps several years. A fresh residue would be a huge flame, while an actual spell would cause an explosion."

"I saw Snape set a dragon on Gryffindor Tower our First-Year," Adonia commented. "I think that's what the fire came from."

"Dark Arts?"

"It's well-known that Snape knows more Dark Arts and curses than he has any business knowing. After having seen his father once, I can understand - his father reeks of magical decay."

Cleopatra did a bit more cleansing of the tower's energies, sending the residue of Dark Energy screaming on the winds.

Argus Filch came up behind them. "Lovely work there, Miss."

Cleopatra looked down at the groundskeeper. "Your layman's opinion means so much to me. It does a professional so much good to know an uninformed man-on-the-street cares about her work."

Filch tried to shrug off the dig. "Well, I may not be Keeper of the Keys, but I do the bulk of security work here. Perhaps I can show you the main secret passages - AAA!!"

Filch decided that he had to leave quickly, seeing as he had a yowling Mrs. Norris attached to his backside by her claws.

"ROWR!"

"IT WAS PURELY PROFESSIONAL, I SWEAR!"

Cleopatra shook her head in disgust. "Now, Miss Vox, we can look for sleeping demons hiding in the bushes -"

----------

Dinner in the Great Hall was quite an interesting affair, as all the girls had surrounded the Vox sisters at one point or another to play with the Baby Marauders, and all the boys were scooted to the ends of the tables and as far away from the babies as possible.

And the Marauders learned what everyone actually thought of them.

"Sirius Black was definitely hot, but he's such an ass."

"True, he really is full of himself."

"His hair is so soft now! I wonder why it got all coarse as he got older?"

"Hey, Lily, what do you think of Potter as a baby now?"

"More bearable. His ways of getting my attention were embarrassing."

"Too bad Lupin won't remember where he spent the duration of this spell."

"At least he's not as obvious about his crush on her in this state."

"You know, Pettigrew looks exactly the same - !"

"Yeah, he's always been cross-eyed and had a blank expression, didn't he?"

"If they stay as babies, do you think they'll grow up nicer this time?"

"If the Vox's are raising them they'll finally learn some respect, I bet."

"Babies smell. I can't believe it, but the guys smell worse as babies."

Dinner was interrupted only once by Artemisia chasing her boyfriend Gryffindor Fred Holden with Baby Jimmy in her arms. "Come on! Don't I look even sexier with a baby??"

Holden squeaked, "NO!" and ran out of the Great Hall.

"I don't get it!" Artemisia cried as she sat at Slytherin's table next to Martis. She shifted Baby Jimmy to her other arm. "I thought this gave the appearance of looking quite fertile!"

"Different cultural standards," Martis answered. She shoved a spoonful of boiled rutabaga in her mouth, chewed, then swallowed. "Back home we worship a fertility Goddess; here they worship young girlhood. Rather disgusting, actually."

"Agreed. Proven fertility is sexier than being a virgin."

"I think they want virgins so the girl doesn't know how lousy they are."

Artemisia sighed and laughed. "That would explain Sirius' sloppy kissing technique."

Martis screwed her face up in disgust. "Ewwww! You like to kiss dogs!"

"We were First-Years! I was eleven and had an excuse! Besides, Doni dared me and threw in a block of chocolate as an incentive."

"Hope it was good chocolate."

The Slytherin boys surrounding them grinned and both girls looked up. Artemisia shifted Baby Jimmy around to burp him and Martis spooned some mashed turnip into Baby Remie's mouth, who spit up half of it down his improvised tunic. The Slytherin males quickly pulled back, save for Sev who held a bottle to Baby Petey's mouth.

"You're supposed to hold them upright when you feed them, Snips," Martis informed him.

"I'm not touching him more than I have to."

"Proper British Fatherhood," Artemisia confirmed.

"I wish this was all my father had to do with me," Sev grumbled.

Martis handed Baby Remie to Sev and took Baby Petey into her arms. The infant wiggled in panic until Martis held him upright and stuck the bottle in his mouth. "Quiet down, little one; you'll feel sick if you struggle. You were probably a colicky baby the first time, weren't you? Can just imagine what sort of parents raised you - the type that left you in your crib all the time and didn't bother to hold or touch or care for you."

Sev watched as Baby Petey relaxed in her arms, listening to her and sucking on the liquid. Gods, how could she not know he knew what she was saying? Sev knew those little grubs understood everything perfectly.

But how to prove it to her? Martis was convinced they were dumb babies. And this 'maternal instinct' made her completely deaf and blind to what was going on under the surface.

Baby Remie finally burped them cried. Sev held him before his face. "Shush or I'm going to feed you to the giant squid."

Baby Remie's fist punched out and entered Sev's mouth, and then the infant released an ear-splitting scream much to Sev's surprise.

"SEVERUS!" Martis shrieked. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"

Sev spat the fist out of his mouth. "I swear to the local Gods, I was NOT trying to eat him! He put his fist there! He's framing me!"

"Severus, this is inexcusable, even as a joke!" She handed Baby Petey to Artemisia who held him and Baby Jimmy in her arms as she crossed back to the Ravenclaw table, and Martis turned back to Sev and the squalling Baby Remie. "Give him to me!" She snatched the baby from his arms and rested the infant against her chest. Baby Remie immediately quieted and sighed, resting his head on her breast.

"Did you see that??" Sev exclaimed. "The pervert sighed! He's ENJOYING it!"

"Severus, you're being ridiculous!"

He leaned close to her, moving her hair aside and whispered against her ear, "Martis, I am being perfectly serious."

She inhaled sharply. "Don't get that close unless you're planning on licking my ear."

Marauder Remus shifted uncomfortably.

Sev pulled away. "Why would I lie to you?"

"I don't think you're lying, I think you're just being paranoid." She smirked. "Or jealous."

"I am NOT jealous, least of all of a drooling potato that screams at one end and wets at the other."

Martis giggled and shook her head. She gently caressed Baby Remie's lightly-layered ginger-colored hair. "Sev, have you ever thought about having babies?"

"Not me, myself. They would stretch out my clothes."

She laughed again. "No, I mean having kids around."

It was too good a set up.

He knew Remus Lupin had a wild crush on her. And with the way the little creep was copping free feels off his Martis, the bugger was going to hear some 'private thoughts' that NO ONE had ever been privy to; including Sev himself.

Sev leaned close again, making sure Baby Remie heard him. "Of course I thought about having babies around - especially the making of them ... doing perverted things to your sweaty, naked body has its appeal -"

Martis turned red. "SNIPS!" Then looked around and whispered, "Not in front of everyone!"

Baby Remie's eyes were REALLY wide and Sev was pleased how the grub looked like his mind was blowing.

----------

Pomfrey insisted that the Baby Marauders stay in the hospital wing during the night.

"What about us since we're the caretakers?" Phaedra asked.

"You three will stay here, of course," the nurse answered. "I already asked permission from your Heads of Houses."

"Oh, look, a playpen's already been set up," Artemisia said. She placed Baby Petey and Baby Jimmy in it and knelt down next to it to keep an eye on them.

Martis was changing Baby Remie. "I need a shower after all this."

"Same here," Artemisia agreed. "These guys produce more body fluids than our nieces and nephews did all together."

"They need baths as well," Phaedra added as she placed Baby Sirie in the pen as well.

Pomfrey placed a stack of fresh towels on the beds. "I'm afraid we don't have showers here in the infirmary - just a large claw-foot tub with plenty of hot water." She leaned down and looked at the babies. "I'll need to do another exam tomorrow morning - I finally found those thermometers."

"Thermometers?" Martis asked.

Artemisia leaned close and whispered, "The British have this thing about sticking things up -"

The Baby Marauders went completely silent.

"Will you cut that out?" Martis snapped.

"I'm being serious - never met a nation so obsessed with reversing the course of nature in that orifice."

"You're an ill creature, Arti." Martis finished diapering Baby Remie.

"Yes, I am." She plopped down on a bed and wriggled out of her robe. "How shall we do it, sisters? Wash them first and take turns ourselves or everyone bathe together?"

Phaedra picked Baby Sirie up again. "Oh, no, he's not breathing right." She turned him over and tapped his back gently. He coughed and began breathing again. "Odd. Wonder what made him choke like that?"

"Blockage," Artemisia replied as Phaedra put him back. "The usual."

A knock came from the main door and a braided head of black hair appeared. "It's me. May I come in?"

"Sure Severus," Artemisia said as she sat up.

Sev entered the hospital wing with Medusa coiled around his arms. "I figured you'd want Medusa to see the babies."

"Absolutely!" Martis agreed, accepting her snake from him.

"Is that safe? Or wise?" Madame Pomfrey asked.

"It's custom on Crete for family snakes to look after babies," Martis explained. "Female snakes are very maternal and attach themselves to the infants of the family to act as nurturers and guardians."

"We all slept with snakes in our infant beds," Phaedra added. "We never had anything like 'cribs'; the snakes acted as a bumper to keep us on the bed. They also knew to keep breathing passages cleared and such, so no chance of infant suffocation. My child will have his or her own snake for this."

Pomfrey nodded. "Makes complete sense to me. Well, I must bid you good night; Mr. Snape, I request you to be out by nine o'clock. I'll be up early tomorrow. Good night."

"Good night, Madame Pomfrey," the sisters and Sev answered.

A crackle of thunder outside the infirmary was quickly followed by a shower of rain pattering against the windows.

"Sleepy weather," Martis murmured.

Sev sat on the floor next to the pen and commented, "The Marauders behind bars. Looks especially natural."

Martis sat Baby Remie inside the pen, then she sat next to Sev, cuddling close to him and wrapping her arms around his waist. "Oh, stop it. They're easier to get along with this way."

Sev drew an arm around her shoulder, watching Baby Remie staring coldly at him. He could barely hide the smirk as he kissed her hair.

Phaedra and Artemisia were smirking as well, but said nothing. All they knew was that their Baby Sister's Dark Prince was finally showing how he felt.

"Snips," Martis whispered.

"Hmm?" he breathed into her hair.

"A baby needs changing."

Sev pulled back a bit and sniffed the air, immediately regretting it. "Either that or someone let a skunk loose."

Phaedra forced herself up and said, "Well, they need baths anyway. Martis - why don't you and Severus bathe them while Arti and I get our showers back at the dorm?"

"No problem. Take your time. I suspect washing four babies is going to be time-consuming and messy."

Sev grunted. "Marauders being filthy and disgusting - what a shock."

As the older sisters left, Sev leaned close and suggested (smirking madly the whole while), "I wonder how you'd look in a wet shirt as it clings to your - ?"

Her hand pressed over his mouth while she blushed furiously. "Don't say anything - it's not the state I want to be in while bathing babies."

It was strange getting a look that could kill from a six-month-old baby, much less the looks of nausea from the other three.

----------

After the bath had been drained and cleaned of baby essence and her sisters returned, Martis herself soaked in the large bath tub and reviewed the day.

The babies triggered something; she knew her own maternal instinct had wakened. There was little else that could have happened, considering her own history. She had to take care of babies, just to make sure they were loved. She herself had spent hours upon hours staring at the bull and snake and dolphin frescoes in the rooms of her parents' villa, and not seeing her parents at all. It was only by the loving natures of her own siblings that she survived to an age in which she could take care of herself.

Babies should never be left alone. They should be loved and held and touched and assured.

Even if they were Marauders.

But Baby Remie had attached himself to her. The sisters had discovered early in the afternoon that she was the only person he allowed to hold him. And truthfully, the only way to keep him quiet was to hold him to her chest. Very likely the combination of her heartbeat and warmth was comforting to him. Plus ... as Sev had pointed out ... her chest was very soft to lie on.

And Severus Snape himself! What to make of such comments! '... doing perverted things to your sweaty, naked body has its appeal ...'

It sent shivers up and down her body. It was scary but wonderful.

And when the babies did splash her (it was as if they were intentionally making her wet while Sev remained mostly dry) and made her shirt cling to her skin, he had such a leer on his face!

No. It does not mean anything. Really, he would not change his mind! So why was he acting like this? Or was she misinterpreting the whole thing???

No, she was not. Maybe it was because the babies made her seem more womanly, and that made him react more manly ...

Sev was a man after her own culture. While these British boys ran away from babies and did not want anything to do with girls who had babies around, Sev helped her and stuck around and even made appropriately inappropriate comments!

Funny. When she held her nephew Dorian and carried him around, Dion made similar comments, yet it did not produce the same reaction in her. With Sev saying them ... it felt like her heart skipped a beat and her stomach knotted and her blood screamed through her veins.

How would the babies of a dark-haired, dark-eyed pale fellow and a blonde-haired, green-eyed olive-skinned girl look...?

Martis pulled the plug from the tub and allowed the water to drain.

----------

Medusa was placed inside the pen on top of the bedding with the freshly washed, changed, and clothed Baby Marauders.

Baby Petey fell right to sleep. Or passed out as Marauder Peter realized how much BIGGER the snake looked at this angle.

"See?" Martis told Sev. "Having a snake in the infant bed relaxes the baby quickly."

"I think he fainted," Sev observed.

"Don't be silly."

Phaedra snickered. "Yes. Look at how the others are crawling to the other side as Medusa is cuddling Baby Petey."

Martis snorted. "They're just too old to appreciate the mother snake; Doni should have fixed the potion to hit them at First Breath rather than six months of age."

"She didn't have much of a choice," Artemisia reminded her. "As is, she's been too much under Miss Cleopatra's thumb this evening to worry about anything but doing security checks."

"How cute!" Martis cooed. "Medusa likes Baby Petey so much she's hugging him! Probably the only person that ever did!"

"Probably likes him with mushroom sauce," Sev stated in a low voice. Artemisia and Phaedra made faces at him, although they could not hide the smirks.

Martis poked his shoulder before turning back to see Baby Remie making motions of wanting to be picked up. "Oh, Remie-demie-snookie-baby-kins ... " she sighed as she picked him up. "Can't sleep without being cuddled?"

Marauder Remus was slightly insulted by the baby-talk, but feeling her warm breasts against his body through the thin material of her nightgown washed away the discomfort. He had to find a way to get rid of Snape long enough for him to enjoy laying on her. Snape hanging around and being a 'gentleman pervert' to Miss Britomartis was very upsetting.

Thunder boomed outside again. Still, it was nice to lie on her chest and feel safe...

Meanwhile, Baby Petey regained consciousness only to feel a snake wrapped around his little body and Medusa yawning wide enough for him to look down her snakey gullet - which resulted in him losing consciousness again.

----------

Night time at Hogwarts School is safer than most places, but it does not feel like it. It is a castle thing.

Cleopatra trotted down the halls, still feeling smug after spending most of the day scaring Adonia Vox. Her battle-trained senses were alert for potential danger - especially from that weirdo Filch; she could swear he had the hots for her.

Pausing before a tapestry depicting a wizard being savagely pummeled by trolls in ballet costumes, she paced back and forth, willing herself to need one particular thing.

On the third pass, a door appeared, and Cleopatra entered the Room of Requirement.

The sound hit first - a cheery, cute techno beat with a squeaky, cute female voice doing a rap song in Japanese. She even recognized the tune: 'Mahou Shoujo Pixy Misa'. The music was coming from a glassy-looking cylinder whose internal workings would have won any scientist or engineer in this era several Nobel Prizes.

In the middle of the room was a bed with a young woman on it, relaxed with her eyes closed, grooving and lip-syncing to the tune. The girl's face showed Oriental ancestry, and she wore a midriff-bearing top and baggy hip-hugger jeans of the fashion of the early twenty-first century, as well as flight-goggles identical to the ones Cleopatra wore. A yellow scarf was wrapped around one bedpost.

Cleopatra raised the arm her wand was strapped to and invoked, "Stupefy!"

The girl reached up and caught the scarlet energy bolt in one hand. She opened her eyes and glanced up at Cleopatra, giving a playful smile as she tossed the energy bolt from hand to hand like a child's toy. "Not bad, Grasshopper. You almost got me that time." She looked around, tossing the bolt over her shoulder and blowing up the glassy cylinder, making the music come to an abrupt stop. "Where are we, anyway?"

Cleopatra answered: "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, central Scotland, Earth, Sol System, Sagittarius Arm, Milky Way Galaxy." After a pause, she added, "A.D. 1974," as if it were an afterthought.

The young woman looked around the Room, barren save for the bed and the shattered music device. "How the heck did you get me here, anyway?"

"This is the Room of Requirement, which gives a person what they need. I needed you."

The girl sat up on the bed Indian-style. "Oh my. My apprentice needs her teacher." Her eyes twinkled in amusement. "How Freudian. Whatever shall I do? Well, it does explain the bed. Shall I put on some romantic music?" She looked at the shattered glass on the floor. "Oops. Darn. That means another shopping trip to the Galactic Imperium."

"JENNY! I'm serious!"

"So am I! You know how bad inflation is in the Seventy-First Century?! That thing's going to set me back a kilo of iridium at least!" The girl's face became serious. "Okay, young apprentice. Jenny Everywhere's School for Dimension Shifters is in session. Lay it on me."

Cleopatra sat on the bed. "I'm stumped. I've been here almost a month and I can't find the anomaly."

"Uh-huh."

She ran a hand through her short-cropped green hair, then drew her knee up and rested her arm on it. "There's been not a twitch in the continuum, no mysterious events - by the standards of a wizard's academy, anyway - it's perfectly bland and ordinary."

Jenny nodded. "And what anomaly is this exactly?"

Cleopatra swatted Jenny's head. "The one you sent me to find!"

Jenny scowled at Cleopatra. "Ass-kicking you are seeking, young Jedi. Haven't you learned about Relative Causality Sequencing yet?"

"Relative Causality Sequencing?" Cleopatra's face was blank for a moment, then comprehension settled in. "Oh. You haven't sent me to find it yet. And it probably hasn't arrived yet, either."

Jenny gave a sarcastic little clap. "Give the thick-headed lout a see-gar!"

"So what do I do now?"

Jenny huffed in annoyance. "I despair of you ever learning to use that lump of pobbly porridge in your head for anything but soaking up hair dye. THINK! What are you?!"

"Leftenant Third-Class Cleopatra -"

"Not 'who' - WHAT are you?!"

"A witch. A shifter. An officer in the Royal Wizard Marines. A Knight Companion of the Order of the Phoenix. A - "

Jenny pulled a rolled-up newspaper from nowhere and hit her student over the head. "Try again. What are you - HERE?!"

"My cover is a security consultant ... " She paused as a notion hit her."I'm an anomaly."

Jenny threw up her hands. "Light dawns on Marblehead!"

Cleopatra took the thought. "Anomalies are always attracted to other anomalies. So all I have to do is sit still ... and it will come to me."

Jenny fell backwards, making the mattress bounce. "About bloody time! How have you lived this long with loose and muddy thinking like that?" She pulled a notepad and pencil out of nowhere. "That reminds me - next time I see you, I'll have to tell you to go here to find an anomaly. It's good training." After scribbling a note, Jenny sat up again. "So - meet any blokes?!"

Cleopatra snickered. "For a wise old teacher of the Mysteries of Space, Time, and the Dimensions, you certainly have shallow priorities."

"That's how I survive being Jenny Everywhere," she said. "I focus on trivia. If a shifter allows herself to think about what she actually is and what she can do, she goes squirrelly-coo-coo. When you finish becoming Cleopatra Everywhere, you'll have your duty to the Wizard King and the Weasley Dynasty to keep you anchored." She planted her chin in her hands. "So what about the blokes?"

With a smile, Cleopatra replied, "Well, I met this sweet guy. Big hands."

"Ooo! Got a name?"

"Rubeus Hagrid. And he's got amazing control ... "

--------------------


	2. Part Two

PART TWO

The storm continued to rage on that night with thunder and lightning and wind and rain. The Vox sisters - used to the rainy winter storms on Crete - were lulled to sleep by the storm noises.

Baby Remie lay quietly on Martis' chest, having convinced her to let him 'sleep' on her by crying whenever she tried to put him down. It was good to be this close, even if he had the body of an infant. She was safe and warm and soft; without his werewolf aspect controlling his senses he could enjoy being held without wondering what kind of panties she wore and how he wanted to take them off.

He made a mental note to wish that he was laying on her when he changed back into his real age - then he might - well, maybe not - then again -

Baby Jimmy and Baby Sirie were fast asleep, huddled together in one corner of the pen with the blanket between them and Medusa. Marauder James and Marauder Sirius did not want to admit it, but they hoped Medusa would keep her attention on Pettigrew. It took them most of the evening to push that blanket into place.

Baby Petey was wide awake, staring at Medusa. She was coiled a few inches away from him, gazing at him with her hypnotic green-gold slit-pupil eyes. He always hated snakes - snakes were wiggly and slimy and shuddery and they always tried to eat him whenever he was in his rat form. They scared the hell out of him.

Medusa was highly amused, especially with the way he shivered when she flickered her tongue out to taste the air. She knew he thought she was saying 'Boo' in Snake, but she was merely checking to see if anyone needed a nappy changed as she had been taught to look for. (She did not understand the reasons for this, but she knew snakes and humans were completely different species and each thought the other had strange ways of rearing young.)

Medusa became aware of a presence that entered the hospital wing; she raised her head and flickered her tongue, tasting the entity's scent.

Male, soap, potions ... Oh, it was her mistress' soon-to-be mate. He was safe, and usually fun. They understood each other perfectly.

Severus Snape tiptoed up to the pen, crouching down to their level. The lightning illuminated his pale face, partially hidden behind messy black hair.

He reached in and began petting the snake. "Good evening, Medusa my girl," he breathed in a husky whisper. "Are you hungry?"

She nodded against his hand and long fingers, having an idea of what he was doing. Dominance routines were a part of serpent psychology.

He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and Baby Petey's eyes got wide as Marauder Peter read the label.

"How would you like to eat these little grubs, Medusa my darling?" Sev asked, swinging the bottle slowly back and forth before her eyes. Her head began to sway in time with the bottle. "You would? How nice - here's a bottle of 'Snake Sauce' for me to pour over them for you - "

By this time, all of the Baby Marauders were awake and staring in horror at what their arch-nemesis was doing right under the noses of the Vox's.

Baby Remie whimpered, trying to wake Martis up. This caught Sev's attention; he raised his face up slightly, making sure Baby Remie saw and heard him clearly.

"You know, Lupin, how you accused me of being a vampire last year?" he asked. "Well ... you were right ...!"

He suddenly rose from the floor with his arms wide and his mouth open, a bolt of lighting illuminating his face and glistening off the pair of huge wax-candy fangs, his hiss blending into the thunder which quickly followed the flash.

The babies shrieked in terror, waking the sisters up.

Martis grabbed Baby Remie before he slipped off her chest. Baby Sirie suddenly turned into a black puppy and struggled out of his nappy, yelping and whining the whole while. Baby Petey changed into a baby rat and crawled out from under his nappy and tunic.

Baby Jimmy changed into a fawn and leapt out of the pen and through the open doors of the infirmary, still wearing his nappy.

Sev faded into the shadows and ran out.

"WHAT HAPPENED??" Phaedra cried.

"The storm scared them!" Artemisia said as she lit a lamp.

The Animagus forms of the two Marauders surprised them, while Martis handed the still crying Baby Remie to Phaedra and dove for the pen.

"No, Medusa! Spit him out!" She grabbed the object hanging out of the snake's mouth. "I know you normally eat those things, but you can't eat this one! Medusa, let him go or you won't get any eggs for a month!"

Eventually, Medusa released the baby rat and Martis checked over its tiny pink squirming body as it shrieked in terror.

Artemisia held up the lamp. "You got Baby Petey?"

"Yeah," Martis answered. "Phaedra?"

"Holding Baby Remie," she replied. "Baby Sirie looks spooked."

The black puppy whimpered quietly, his big brown eyes wide as he shivered in the corner of the pen.

"Where's Baby Jimmy?" Artemisia asked.

"Escaped," Martis said. "I'll look for him." She handed the baby rat to Artemisia and ran out of the hospital wing in her nightgown.

----------

Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris stalked the halls of Hogwarts looking for troublemaking students. Actually, any students out of bed at this hour MUST be troublemakers; it was the way of nature.

If he happened to run into Miss Cleopatra the security witch, so much the better.

The sound of tiny hoofbeats galloping down the hall grabbed his attention and he held his hand out as the object slammed into his arm, pulling up whatever he caught to shine his lantern light on it.

"A wee fawn?" he said aloud. "Wearin' a nappy? What kind of mischief are you?"

The fawn bleated wildly, trying to twist out of his hand.

"Oh, no you don't," Filch snarled. "You'd make a lovely tender venison stew -"

"Mr. Filch!" Martis called.

The fawn stopped struggling at the voice. Filch looked up. "Eh, what? A student out of bed?"

"Having to chase after another student," Martis replied as she appeared in the light from the lantern. "You have James Potter in your hands."

Filch looked at the fawn, then back up at her. "Funny. Don't remember that particular troublemaker being as four-legged."

"Animagus - I'm sure you've heard of them." Martis raised an eyebrow. Filch glanced down at Mrs. Norris near his feet, her big golden eyes staring at the fawn.

"Sure we can't serve him up for supper?"

"Mister FILCH!"

Filch snorted, releasing the fawn. "Don't go around putting other students in nappies, then. And get back to your dorms."

"Yes, Mr. Filch," she replied, picking up Potter the Animagus. Filch wandered off down the hall, muttering to Mrs. Norris. Martis turned around and carried the nappy-clad fawn back to the hospital wing. "I don't think he believed the part about you being an Animagus, but I know he wouldn't have swallowed the part about you being a baby."

----------

The next morning a package arrived from the girl-students of Hogwarts: within it were blocks, stuffed Fwoopers and Puffskeins toys, several rattles, and a small collection of pacifiers.

"Binkies!" Phaedra cried.

"Binkies?" Martis echoed.

"Binkies," Artemisia confirmed. "Never understood the need for them. That's why I kept taking yours and throwing them under the bulls when our brother Eusebius jumped."

Martis wrinkled her nose. "You were mean to me." She picked one up, looked at it, then popped it in her mouth and sucked -

Just as Sev walked in and saw what she was doing. "That wasn't a pre-existing condition, was it?"

Martis pulled the pacifier out of her mouth. "Artemisia threw my binkie under the bulls."

Sev nodded, not quite understanding. "All right." She popped it back in her mouth and he bit his lip, trying to ignore the sucking motions which caused strange connections to form in his mind. He flicked his half-braid back and handed Martis a bag. "A gift from your roommates; I don't know what it is, and I don't want to know. Especially after O'Shanahan said to tell you 'keep it lubricated when in use'."

Martis raised an eyebrow and opened the bag, then pulled out a thermometer. She rolled her eyes and spat the pacifier out. "I can't stand your culture, Snips." She shoved it back in the bag and set it aside, then picked up Baby Remie and leaned back on the pillows of her temporary bed.

"Me neither for the most part," Sev answered. Lupin was still trying to play innocent baby on his Martis while pawing at her breasts. Time to up the ante and freak out the Maraudiot.

Sev slid onto the bed next to her and brushed her hair aside to whisper into her ear, "Seeing you lolling on the bed like this makes me want to crawl all over you and do naughty things -"

Martis choked, blushed a brilliant scarlet, and clamped her knees together. "Snips!" she squealed quietly.

"It's the way your hair spreads all over the place," Sev whispered, his lips almost touching her earlobe while his fingers played with a long strand of ash-blonde hair. "Not to mention that lovely scarlet flush -"

"EEEEE!" Martis squealed with a strong undercurrent of giggling.

Artemisia and Phaedra chuckled, and grabbed up the other babies. "Oh my, we have an appointment far, far away. Come, sister."

Baby Remie had had enough of the Courtship of Miss Britomartis and ended it by burping up on Sev, thereby destroying the mood quite thoroughly.

The rest of the Baby Marauders threw stuffed Fwoopers at his head to round out the insult.

----------

"I can't leave him alone," Martis informed a classmate as they entered Professor Binns' History of Magic class. "Besides, Baby Remie will be all right in the harness."

Everyone noted Martis with the baby strapped to her chest, and then went back to their notebooks or sculpting their quill-tips.

Professor Binns floated through the blackboard and gazed at his Third-Year class over the frames of his glasses. He adjusted them as his eyes rested on Martis. "Miss Vox, what is that thing?"

Martis smirked. "Oh, Professor, it's the latest thing - it's called a baby. You can order parts to make them bigger. Large ones can make coffee and clean house for you."

A few classmates giggled. Binns sniffed.

"Where did it come from, Miss Vox?"

Martis, unable to resist (possibly sprouting from Sev's flirting that morning), proclaimed, "I hope it wouldn't come to this, but I must confess - this is Severus Snape's and my love-child -"

The entire class broke up at that while Binns remained expressionless; the Slytherins laughed the loudest while the Gryffindors giggled into their hands. By this point everyone (living) knew about the infamous Marauders being infants, and the irony of them being looked after by their greatest enemy was the best joke of the year.

"Hey, Vox!" one of the Gryffindor boys called. "If he's Snape's and yours, then why does he look like Remus Lupin?"

Another called out, "Maybe he's Snape and Lupin's love-child?"

Martis almost choked on her own laughter, while Marauder Remus made a note of who said that for later vengeance.

"Enough," Binns said. "Two points off Slytherin for causing a disturbance in class." He sniffed in indignation (how else could he sniff, being dead?) "Two babies in two centuries - might as well open a nursery!"

"Sorry, sir," Martis said. She patted Baby Remie's back and automatically wrote notes as Binns began lecture, while the other half of her mind drifted in and out of domestic fantasies of her and Sev and their own little Snapelets.

She had a brief but intense vision-flash of a spiky-haired boy who looked like an olive-skinned Sev surrounded by younger girls, including three triplet-toddlers and an infant, a blonde who looked like one of her sisters, and a dusky girl with a sour face.

Great Mother, I must be mad!

----------

The abnormally warm autumn day in early October allowed the three Vox sisters and Sev to take the babies outside near the lake. A blanket was spread out over the damp ground and the girls settled down with their textbooks while the babies played with the blocks on the blanket next to them.

Sev and Martis were lying on their stomachs side-by-side, going over notes for their Charms classes. Phaedra ended up napping (a common activity in the afternoons as her pregnancy progressed) and Artemisia had her nose buried in her Herbology book. Medusa was sunning herself near the babies.

Marauder Sirius came up with the idea. He had managed to convey the idea to the other Marauders and eventually Baby Sirie, Baby Petey, Baby Remie, and Baby Jimmy spelled words out with the blocks.

It was only by chance that Sev looked up and saw what they had spelled:

SNAPE IS A GOIT

"What the - ?!"

Martis looked up and saw the babies throwing blocks at a wall of blocks. "What, Snips?"

"They insulted me with their blocks!"

"Oh, don't start this again."

Sev settled back down and read his notes. After a few more moments, he glanced up to see:

SCREW YOU SNAPE

Sev ground his teeth and continued with his studying. He snuggled closer to Martis and ran his hand down her back before reading again. A few minutes later, he looked up and saw the blocks arranged in:

SNAPE HAS A PIXIE PUTZ

"THAT'S IT!" Sev roared as he got up and towered over the babies. "Stop with the damn blocks!"

The Baby Marauders screamed, crawling away from him and against the awaken Phaedra.

The three Vox sisters stared at Sev.

"You finished acting nuts, Snape?" Artemisia asked plainly.

"They were spelling insults out with the blocks!"

Martis glanced at the pile of blocks. "Well, looks like they spelled 'snap' correctly. Sit down, Severus."

"But they - "

"You're being paranoid again. Sit down with me." She patted the blanket next to her.

Sev sulked as he sat down next to her and slammed his chin onto his fists. "Should I dance or sing when it comes time to say 'I told you so'?"

Martis sighed and poked his shoulder. "Bother."

He poked her shoulder. "Bother."

"Bother."

"Bother."

"Bother."

"Bother."

"Bother."

"Bother." Then he grasped her shoulders and pulled her down on his lap, looking down into her face where her sunglasses had slipped down to reveal her green eyes. "I win," he breathed in a husky whisper.

Martis felt her heart beating like a triphammer as she gazed up into his dark eyes. It was a Moment, a Moment that demanded something to be done, but all she could do was stare back at him and hope to the Gods that she did not scare him. Her mind screamed in random directions of anything and everything she could and could not do, and yet she remained frozen as her head lay in his lap and his arms held her.

A wooden block bounced off Sev's head.

"Ow," he said, rubbing where it hit him. "I suppose they don't want us to get hot and bothered in front of them."

Artemisia groaned. "Severus, you made a pun. We have to kill you now."

The babies all gurgled in agreement.

"Technically, it was a word-play," Phaedra yawned. "Can't sacrifice him to the volcano yet." She reached for a baby (Baby Jimmy), and lay him on her chest as she drifted back to her nap.

"Guess not," Artemisia agreed. "He'll have to sacrifice to Baby Sister's volcano first."

"ARTI!" Martis squealed as she snapped up out of Sev's lap.

"What?" Sev asked.

"NOTHING!" Martis cried, turning a deep red. "Nothing at all!"

Sev knew the only reason she reacted like that is because she was thinking naughty thoughts. Perfect opportunity to really mess with Lupin's head with her help. (Somehow, it did not cross his mind of why she may be thinking naughty thoughts.)

"You know," he said intensely. "There's something I always wanted to do to you."

She made a moaning sound, her eyes locked to his and not wanting to turn away even though the attack of panic tore through her body.

"Something depraved and intimate, and something I'm quite sure no one else has done to you, my Martis - "

"Severus!" she breathed in a thin voice.

"I want to ... " He grinned and tackled her back to the blanket. " - LICK YOUR NOSE!"

Martis giggled hysterically as she tried to twist her face away from his, and Sev laughed while he attempted to lick her nose. The sisters looked up to see them rolling around on the blanket and laughing, then smirked to themselves.

"Sev! Get off!"

"Let me lick that nose!"

"No way!"

"I must have it!"

"Stop tickling!"

Phaedra rubbed Baby Jimmy's back and Artemisia murmured, "Let's leave them alone for a little while, small ones -"

But not before Baby Sirie crawled over and managed to throw up on the playing duo.

Martis sighed as Sev got up. "THAT ruined it," she concluded. "Here's a towel, Snips." She picked up Baby Sirie and cleaned his face. "Poor baby! Your tummy isn't feeling well, is it?"

Sev felt cheated for some reason, even though the intention to annoy the Marauders had succeeded. He rather ... liked playing with Martis like that, like they were little kids. They probably would have done something similar if they had grown up together.

He was going to annoy them again tonight. Perhaps once again with Medusa's help.

Sev snorted as he turned his back to the baby-occupied Martis and toward the snake. He stroked her head with long fingers and softly murmured to her, "You'll help me play with the babies again, won't you, Medusa-darling?"

Medusa slit her eyes and freely enjoyed his touch.

----------

The night was quiet. This was Sev's first mistake.

The second mistake was that Medusa was over-enthusiastic with 'pretending' to eat a Baby Marauder that Baby Petey's muffled cry woke up Martis.

"Lumos," she said, lifting her wand up.

The scene was there before her: Sev in his gray nightshirt next to the pen and holding a bottle labeled 'Snake Sauce'. Medusa was wrapped around Baby Petey and the baby's foot was in her mouth.

"What the - ?!"

Sev thought fast, and then got up and hurried toward her. "I needed to see you."

Martis swallowed the lump in her throat as he pressed her to the bed. "What - for - ?" Despite the excitement welling in her, she forced herself to push him away and focus on the matter at hand. "And why are you making Medusa eat the babies??"

"I was not," he answered indignantly, brushing his hair back from his face. "You know Medusa likes to take care of babies and keep them warm. She can testify that nothing untoward was going on; right, Medusa?"

Medusa's head appeared over the pen's railing and nodded vigorously.

"And I wasn't doing anything bad to the babies, was I?"

She shook her head just as resolutely.

Martis got up to pick up Baby Petey to make sure he was unharmed and Sev breathed toward the snake, "I owe you a vole."

Medusa's tongue flickered out.

Martis turned back to Sev, baby in her arms, and regarded him through dark blonde lashes. "I don't think Madame Pomfrey would allow ... And my sisters are here ... And not with the babies around ..."

Sev drew a complete blank to what she was implying. "Beg pardon?"

Still holding the baby, she moved closer to him, so that her nightgown and his nightshirt were brushing against the other. Her face flushed; Martis ran her hand up the front of his nightshirt, to his neck, and then rested against his cheek. "You better get back to bed. Before Pomfrey or Filch or Cleopatra catch you."

Sev nodded, her scent slamming into his brain; Gods, she smelled good. He quickly left without another word.

Martis paused, calming herself down before she changed Baby Petey's diaper and put him back in the pen again. She lay back down on her temporary bed and stared at the ceiling.

"Why did you send him away?" Artemisia's voice asked in the dark.

Martis turned over, her back away from her sister. "It's inappropriate."

"You do know we would have vacated the area for a few hours."

"Arti, there's more to life than breeding."

"There's also more to life than denying the obvious."

----------

The next morning had the Hufflepuff Photographer in the hospital wing at Adonia's request.

"Why?" Phaedra asked.

"Snape and I discussed it," Adonia answered. "We want to record this time for posterity."

"Speak for yourself," Sev interrupted. "I want to humiliate them when they turn back." He sat on the floor next to Martis and dangled a polished spoon in front of a baby's face. "See, Baby Sirie-werie-kins? Shiny!"

Marauder Sirius knew an insult when he saw one, and did not rise to the bait.

"Doesn't seem too interested," Martis observed.

"It means that he's not very bright - babies are attracted to shiny objects; shows intelligence." He picked Baby Sirie up and stated in a happy, patronizing tone of baby-talk, "Isn't he so precious? We're going to take him to a doctor to get him gelded and then sell him into some unhygienic Middle-Eastern brothel. And he can't be a eunuch-guard, no sir; he's too pretty for that -"

Martis giggled and elbowed him gently in the chest. Baby Sirie randomly threw his fists and kicked his feet at Sev, looking more like a squiggly baby than an offended Marauder.

"Do you think he's trying to hit you?" Martis asked.

"Of course he is," Sev replied as he deposited the near-tantrum-throwing Baby Sirie in the pen. "You know more than I that babies are savages that must be taught civil behavior. He's actually more mature now than he was as a Fifth-Year." He sniffed loudly. "Better smelling, too. Of course, now he has someone to change his nappies -"

Marauder Sirius' mind was briefly overwhelmed by Baby Sirie's infant hormones. "WAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Phaedra picked up the squalling infant and calmed him down.

Martis shook her head. "You can be awful at times, Mr. Snape."

"Thank-you, Miss Vox. I do my damnedest."

The Marauders did not know which was worse - Snape's smug superiority or Vox's giggling and blushing.

"No-no-no, Baby Jimmy," Artemisia said as she pulled her wand away from the baby. "Don't play with my wand."

Martis chucked his chin and she pulled him away. "You're not ready for such advanced motor-skills yet. Or Arti's wand, period."

"Those are lies," Artemisia insisted, tucking her wand into her robe. "I do not doctor-up my wand."

"Nobody said you did," Sev commented. "But now that you brought it up, I did notice you refribbing it during lunch yesterday. Where did you get the crabwick for that, anyway? I thought those were restricted to students."

"Sis, kiss his mouth shut."

Martis pretended to be busy with Baby Jimmy and Sev saw another opportunity to annoy another Marauder. Just to give the little pervert something to chew over (he had heard stories about the things James Potter had said to Martis on the pitch), Sev scooted closer to Martis and whispered, "I like it when we sit close like this and you get all perky."

Baby Jimmy choked about the same time Martis did, although her choking was accompanied by a brilliant scarlet blush and much sweating. Baby Jimmy's merely resulted in hiccups.

Sev pressed closer. "It makes me want to cause you to make moaning sounds -"

Martis - completely distracted - patted Baby Jimmy's head. "Snips ... stop it ..." she warned softly. "You're making my thighs ache ..."

"That's a good thing," he responded, a fingertip gently caressing her ear.

Marauder James decided that they were going too far for his delicate sensibilities, so Baby Jimmy decided to open fire on Snape.

The mood was quite utterly and thoroughly destroyed ... along with one robe and a nappy.

Both Sev and Martis had reduced appetites for breakfast and lunch, and spoke in length about the disgusting things babies emit. Admittedly, Martis was more clinical in her discussion while Sev moaned about finally understanding why so many geniuses were only children.

----------

It happened mid-afternoon, between classes.

The girls were changing the babies and discussing classes and none of them noticed Baby Jimmy tugging on the sleeve of Artemisia's robe.

However, they did noticed when fireworks began flying past their heads.

"HIT THE DECK!" Phaedra cried.

Sev pulled Martis down while Artemisia began yelling, "He's got my wand! The bugger is trying to use my wand!"

Marauder James was frustrated beyond all measure. His infant nervous system could not handle what his mature mind knew - he could not hold the wand, he could not aim the wand, he could not mutter a cancellation spell, and he certainly could not control what came out of this oaken monstrosity that did not behave like a wand, anyway.

Babies Petey, Remie, and Sirie had buried themselves under the blanket in the pen and whimpered. Medusa crawling on top of them to protect them did not help matters in their opinions.

Fireworks and bolts of energy continued to shoot from the wand, shattering the windows of the infirmary and burning marks in the stone walls.

Cleopatra burst in and yelled, "WHAT THE AVERNUS IS GOING ON???"

Adonia - right behind her - screamed as a ball of fire headed right for them. Cleopatra barely had enough time to grab Adonia and push her to the floor. She raised her forearm and caught the bolt on her strapped-on wand, dispersing it in a shower of scarlet flame.

Sev released Martis and crawled across the floor to the bed, standing straight up and grabbing for the wand from Baby Jimmy's hand -

But not before a bolt of magic slammed into his crotch.

Sev doubled over, pulling the wand from the baby's hand with his momentum, and fell to the floor in a heap.

The Vox sisters and Cleopatra looked up.

"Are the babies all right?" Artemisia asked.

Martis pushed her out of the way and crawled to Sev. "Snips! Severus! Are you all right???"

The pain made his response high-pitched and squeaky: "No ..."

Marauder James felt pleased with himself to at least get one in Snape's cods, and the other Baby Marauders gurgled their congratulations to him.

Martis gently held Sev as Madame Pomfrey came in.

"What happened to my infirmary??"

Sev raised a shaky hand, pointed, and squeaked, "He did it!"

The babies - exhausted from the excitement - were asleep. Only Cleopatra noted the huge grins on their doughy faces.

----------

A few minutes later, Pomfrey had diagnosed Sev's problem as 'muscle contraction caused by spell bolt' and prescribed 'let it run its course'.

Sev was curled up in a fetal knot on a bed in another part of the hospital wing while Martis sat next to him and rested her hand on his shoulder for support. Adonia sat across from them on the next bed, a huge medical textbook in her lap.

"Ah, here we go," Adonia said. "Madame Pomfrey lied - there is a treatment for such a problem."

"What is it?" Martis asked.

"Strong massage of the area with oil."

Sev's eyes got rather huge while Martis clumsily shoved her sunglasses back on and stammered.

"You're making that up!" Martis accused her.

"No, I'm not." She turned the book to show them. "Right here - 'For muscular contraction caused by impact from a magically propelled bolt, massage the area vigorously with warm ginseng oil until patient is relaxed'."

Appearing from practically nowhere, Pomfrey snatched the book from Adonia and stated quite sternly, "Allow it to RUN ITS COURSE."

Sev and Martis had the decency to blush while Adonia pouted. Pomfrey vanished as quickly as she appeared.

"But it could take HOURS if we let it run its course. That method could get it over with in minutes. A VERY few minutes."

Martis continued to blush up to her hairline. "You heard what Pomfrey said!"

"I'll do it if you don't want to - "

Martis' wand manifested in her hand, pointing at Adonia's throat. "We - will - let - it - run - its - course!"

"So you're going to let Severus suffer all this time?" her sister sighed melodramatically. "How terrible for you, Severus, to have to go through all those hours of pain and -"

"Shut up, Doni!" Martis snapped.

Artemisia ran around a privacy screen. "Guys! Remus Lupin and James Potter are back to normal, but they're still asleep in the pen in their nappies!"

"What about Black and Pettigrew?" Martis asked.

"Playing on the bed with a Fwooper toy."

Adonia clapped her hands. "Picture time!"

The twins left and Martis inhaled deeply a few times. "You'll be all right, won't you, Snips?"

Sev did not say anything, not quite sure what to say. Part of him was upset she did not want to help him with a speedy recovery, and another part felt disappointed that she panicked when she realized what the treatment entailed (even he figured it out quickly). She may as well not touch him at all!

Gods, what was he thinking? Did he really expect Martis to be as curious about him as he was about her?

These thoughts were fast and fleeting and he did not dwell on them long as the intense pain in his groin kept him occupied.

Martis did not want to think about the treatment and instead concentrated on the facts that her Sev was hurting and there were no more babies around to cuddle and hold and take care of.

No more babies around.

----------

Adonia and Artemisia did not notice Lambchop the inflatable sheep trot into the hospital wing, nor did they notice what she was doing to the babies on the bed as the girls snapped pictures of Lupin and Potter sleeping in the pen.

They did, however, notice the gasp of horror and turned to see a fifteen-year-old nappy-clad Sirius Black sitting on the bed with Lambchop bent over his knee and him spanking the inflatable sheep and yelling, "SPIT HIM OUT, YOU RUBBERIZED GIT!"

"Quick, get a pic!" Artemisia ordered. Adonia obeyed, disbelieving the sight.

Lambchop finally spat the fifteen-year-old nappy-clad Peter Pettigrew on the floor. More pictures were taken, especially of the embarrassed Pettigrew pretending to still be a baby by curling up and sucking his thumb.

All four Marauders had turned back by this point and Madame Pomfrey took over post-spell details; she discharged the Vox sisters from baby duty which gave the twins a chance to run to the school's darkroom to give their film to the Hufflepuff Photographer.

After knocking at the dark room door, Adonia asked, "Do you remember his name?"

"Um ... Leonardo di Bozo ... "

"No wonder he just wants to be called 'The Hufflepuff Photographer'."

He opened the door a crack. "What is it?"

"We got more blackmail pics of the Marauders. Five galleons if you develop them by tomorrow afternoon."

He held his hand out. "Done."

----------

It was not until nine that night that Sev was able to move without being incapacitated. Martis had left his side to go to dinner and had not come back. He slowly climbed the dozen odd staircases to the Conversation Room, half-praying that Filch would not catch him and half-praying that he did not pull anything to prevent him from ever having children.

Heh. Him fathering children. What a laughable concept.

He knew she would be here. Anything relating to her ideas of being a female resulted in her hiding out there. Considering how female she got in relation to having babies around, he may not be able to draw her out this time.

Indeed she was there, sitting on the floor next to the lantern and absently stroking Medusa's back and staring into nothing.

Sev crawled in and sat next to her, studying her face. The sunglasses were off, so it allowed him to see her face and eyes unhindered. In lantern-light, her face seemed darker than it was, and the moss green of her eyes appeared nearly hazel.

Although the shadows perfectly outlined the curves of her upper lip and made her skin look quite warm and inviting.

When she did not acknowledge his presence, he reached out and poked her forehead, saying, "Bother."

She finally looked up, the expression of sadness seeming to make the lantern-light dim even more. "I miss them."

Sev shrugged by twitching a lip. "They're back in Gryffindor Tower and telling everyone lies of how horrible it was being babies."

Martis looked down at Medusa in her lap. "Perhaps I should have kept Medusa out of the pen. I miss babies."

"They were still Marauders. Remember? They tried to kill you you First-Year?"

"They were babies. I miss babies."

"Why?"

"I really am meant to take care of babies. I need to. I need babies, Severus. I want babies."

He regarded her coolly, checking his reaction; a brief mental image of Martis and himself holding triplet infants crossed his mind. He immediately struck it from memory.

"Well," he admitted. "I'm in no condition right now to help you make any."

Her mouth flew open, then closed, then opened and closed again as she blinked. Her instincts pounced on the statement, dragged it in, and encased it within the deepest well of her hopes and dreams.

He wants to. He promised me someday he would.

It brought her state of mind into focus enough for her to laugh a little. "Too soon for babies, eh?"

"For now," he agreed.

"I still miss having them around."

"I know you do." He reached for her hand and squeezed, holding hers tightly. "Shall I dress in a diaper, suck my thumb, and say 'goo'?"

She paused, saw the threat of a smirk at his lips, and laughed. "No, thank-you, Snips. I like you as you are."

"Good. I think I'd look terrible in a diaper."

"A loincloth would be better." She scooted closer and laid her head on his shoulder.

"A loincloth and a pacifier then," he concluded.

She giggled again, raising Medusa's head by the snake's chin. "Well, Medusa, it's going to be a little while until you have babies to take care of again."

Sev sat up. "That reminds me." He dug a small rodent out of his pocket. "Here's your vole, Medusa."

Medusa clutched the vole in her mouth and slithered away to eat.

"What's that for?" Martis asked.

"Medusa being a good girl, that's all." He hugged her and kissed her forehead, then allowed his lips to draw down the bridge of her nose and across her cheek where it lingered for several seconds.

Martis turned her face away, afraid she would lose control and scare him. She knew if he stumbled innocently into the vague waters between Friends and Lovers, she would pull him so fast into the latter that he would hate her for it.

Damn, damn, damn. Scaring him was worse than anything else. If she acknowledged what he had said, what he seemed to be doing, he would retreat back.

So. She had to reply non-verbally and non-threateningly.

----------

The next day was quite tense between the Marauders, the Vox sisters, and Severus Snape. The Marauders were being especially annoying with various insults, while the Vox sisters had no idea what was wrong with them except the fact they were just being stupid British boys again.

Cleopatra found Sev after breakfast and cornered him in a nook in the hallway. Without preamble, she asked him, "Do the girls know about the Gryffindor boys being conscious during the affair?"

Sev lowered his brows over his dark eyes. "No. Why?"

"Adonia told me about the pictures they took. I'd prefer to not have to break up any more attempted murders, so I suggest you give them a warning shot across the bow. Here."

She shoved a packet of photographs in his hand, then turned and left.

Sev raised an eyebrow, watching the tall, willowy woman with the vaguely familiar face walk away. He looked down at the photos in his hand ... and a demented leer crossed his face. Blackmail enough to keep the Drooling Menagerie at bay until Christmas!

----------

By midmorning break, Sev caught the Marauders as they left their shared Arithmancy class.

"It would interest you," Sev stated in a painfully disaffected voice. "To keep your comments and insults to yourselves."

Black chuckled, raising his hands in the air. "What's this? Snivelly telling us to bugger off?"

Sev smirked coldly. "I'm sure you'd like the halls to be plastered with poster-size pictures of these -" He slapped a photograph in Lupin's face.

Remus Lupin moaned in horror, holding the picture of him and James Potter at their normal ages, still in the nappies and sleeping peacefully in the pen.

"You bastard!" Black growled, stepping forward menacingly.

Severus whipped out a photo which appeared to show Sirius wearing a diaper and spanking an inflatable sheep. Peter Pettigrew's head was out of the sheep's mouth.

Sirius Black came to a dead halt.

"You bastard," he snarled in a low voice. "I will get you for this."

"Do and be damned," Sev answered, holding up several more photographs of them being bathed, diapered, and smearing food on their faces and hair. "I know you remember all this in vivid detail - and I'm sure you don't want everyone to share in these intimate moments."

"Name your terms, snake," James Potter spat.

"Leave Martis and me alone. You leave us alone, these won't get scattered all over the school. We have the negatives and the means to blow them up to poster-size." Sev scowled. "The Quaffle's in your goal area."

The Marauders looked at each other, and then Black turned back to Sev. "All right, we accept. But this doesn't mean you and Brito-tart-is can prank us."

"Sneerius, the only reason we pranked you is because you pranked us. Even infants can figure out the connection." Sev tucked the photos into his book bag. "Have a good day, gentlemen."

Sev walked away, allowing the smug smirk to cross his face. He flicked his braid back behind his head and skipped down the stairs amid a group of Slytherins.

"Snips!" Martis called from a lower landing.

Sev craned his neck and saw her climbing up to meet him. "Yeah, Spirals?"

She weaved through the throng of students, and then stood before him; she suddenly whipped a bouquet of red roses from behind her back and handed them to him.

Sev gazed at her. "Wha - ?"

She blushed, grinning. "Yours." She quickly kissed his cheek and trotted down the stairs to her class.

The Slytherins around him had stopped and stared at Sev holding the bouquet of red roses.

"The males of Hogwarts now hate you, Snape," one of the guys muttered.

Evan Ryper chuckled. "Move it, folks, class starts in three minutes." He grinned and winked at Sev as the students left him standing on the stairway.

Sev - alone now - continued to gaze at the roses in his hands.

The thorns had been cut off.

Martis gave him roses.

And she cut the thorns off.

Sev wandered slowly down the stairs, wondering what the hells happened, but feeling elated for the first time in ages. It was scary but it felt wonderful.

The Marauders ran down the stairs, keeping to the other side away from Sev, as Artemisia walked up the stairs.

By pure reflex, Pettigrew held his arms out to her and impulsively called out, "Nanny!"

The rest of the Marauders stopped and stared at him in horror, while Artemisia and Sev drew their wands and gave the idiot a hexing he would not forget for at least a week.

"Should you have put those antlers on him?" Artemisia asked afterward when the Marauders had scrambled down the stairs. "Especially there?"

"After what he did to me, he needs something to plug up that end." Sev inhaled the scent of the roses. "Besides, you weren't too nice with the jelly-ankle curse."

"The blue urine won't show up for two days yet." She leaned close to inhale the roses, then smirked and left him.

Sev continued down to his class and ignored the smirks and knowing smiles from everyone as he placed the roses on his desk.

Things were finally looking up.

-End-


End file.
